Can introverts become extroverts?
How I try to network as an introvert.
Long story short: No introverts cannot become extroverts. But they can practice some extrovert qualities to grow in their life.
Now the long story.
We had case discussion classes every week in our residency program. Unlike the usual class, it involves residents and professors from a department discussing interesting patients and their diagnoses. It involved a lot of interaction, especially with the residents who were expected to answer questions.
I have a love-hate relationship with these classes. I love them because I learn something new every week, but I hate them because I’m expected to be interactive in front of a bunch of people.
One of the professors asks a question. He is looking at me, though not calling my name; I can understand he wants me to answer. I have an answer, but too scared to speak up. I wait till my colleague next to me answers the same idea I had in my mind. I feel a pang of disappointment in me.
Post-class, we discussed the topic among ourselves. I was pointing out something I learned about the disease. One of my seniors asked, “Why didn’t you say this in the class? You are sharing this with your friends. But when you share it in the class, we could’ve discussed it in detail with our professors.” I replied back, "I doubted if it would be the right to say it.” He remained silent and, after some time, said, "You know you have to voice out your opinions to succeed, right? If you stay shy and quiet, people will think of you as this dull person who lacks confidence.”
It felt like sticking the needle straight into the fresh wound. I know. But I just couldn’t. Since then I had this throbbing doubt: do I need to be outspoken to succeed in life? Am I an introvert? Can an introvert become an extrovert? I never bothered to get these questions answered.
Life happened. I had a child. Maternity leave. Restarted work in private. No need to be outspoken except for the one-on-one talks with my patients, which was okay for me. But I was trying to create this writing journey on the side and had been writing to the void for a long long time. There was no growth. It felt meaningless. I want to connect with people. I want them to read my work. But again, I was scared. Not as scary as talking in front of people, but a little amount that made me procrastinate a lot.
I wanted this to change for good and finally took a step ahead. I googled, “ How to make my posts seen and read by people?” And to tell you the lesson learned in a single word is to network. What? But that is my problem and that is why I’m writing in the first place. After some denial, I somehow came to accept that I needed to talk. In my own way.
Networking seemed so businessy and intimidating to me. Connecting in a meaningful way seemed appealing. So I started pursuing the goal of creating meaningful connections who will know me and read my work. I found some ways to make it comfortable for me and sharing them here.
More than 50% of the work is done in your mind.
Yes, this is the case with me. I had this whole bunch of shitty, limiting beliefs that I need to reframe. Why? It makes it easier for me to truly connect with people authentically. So here are the reframed uplifting thoughts I’ve set up in my mind:
You can be both quiet and confident.
True growth is hiding behind things that scare you.
You don’t have to be an expert to talk with someone.
You are not a shy introvert. You are shy and an introvert. The former you can change and the latter you can’t.
It’s okay to think before you reply. There is no shame in asking time to think.
Whether you talk or write, words are going to be words.
Words shared are the meat of connecting or networking. It can be hard for me at times to find the right word to speak. It can be hard for me to even speak. I even started believing that I’m a dull person who doesn’t know how to talk.
But once I started writing, I noticed how well I could give form to my thoughts. I was amazed by how I could write a 1000-word story just about how I feel at the moment. I experienced the flow that I used to admire in a spokesperson.
I realized maybe I don’t have to talk to get connected with my people. I can write and share my messages at the right place to find community. And that’s what I’m doing now. It feels comfortable and surprising how well people resonate with me and vice versa.
But I know I can’t keep writing and need to speak to make my connections stronger.
Reflect on situations that make you feel less confident:
Most situations that involve making words out of my mouth, used to make me feel less confident.
I know I need to write to make connections and to make those connections stronger, I need to talk more. The good thing about writing to somebody is that it dampens the coldness of talking to someone completely new. You have already drawn an outline when you have a written connection. Now, when you have an outline, the rest is all about filling in details and depth. So, I felt less jittery before talking to that person whom I already knew a bit.
Another thing that made me feel less confident is connecting with people who I perceive to be superior to me. They might be in a higher position than I was. But I have this fear of rejection that beats my efforts to talk to them.
Writing to them first, about how I’m inspired by them and how I want guidance from them, eases my way towards them. This doesn’t work with all people. But when it works, you get a mentor who could help you grow.
Fine-tuned my goals of connecting with new people.
Based on my mindset shifts and reflections, I fine-tuned my goals of having a community.
The food for a meaningful community is the value that I can give to them. I try giving value to this beautiful community I have here in Substack. I try to share my insights and struggles openly with the hope that it will find the right person.
Also, I want to grow. So, I decided to try to get connected with at least one new person a week. I try to get to know them better by spending time on their work. If I feel connected I’ll reach out to them. Okay, the truth is I don’t get enough time to do this on all the platforms I’m trying to be active on. But I’m trying and planning to take it slow.
Another thing is that I made a point to myself that the quality of my connections is more important than quantity. I need to hammer this in mind so that I don’t get obsessed with the numbers and converse just for the sake of gaining more people. I want it to be genuine both ways.
If you want to have a conversation, make it easy.
I can’t keep sending texts and living on mail to grow myself.
I have to talk to new people. When it is personal, it’s different and a bit easier too. With patients, I have a lot of practice. But when it’s related to work other than clinic duty, I have to put on this professional mask. So how do I navigate such a conversation?
It is always tough for me to initiate the conversation. But when I need to get going, I do it quickly, like ripping a bandage.
I plan the conversation, questions, and topics that I want to talk about.
I always start talking about the other person. I let them talk, listen more, and keep my sentences quick and short. It’s easier for me to ask questions than to answer one. So I keep asking questions.
When I'm answering, I keep my answers simple and to the point. I suck at the small talk part. Some are okay with it. Some take it personally. But I compensate for it by doing a good job. If I’m unable to answer something, I’ll admit that I’m having doubts and get back to them after some time.
However, I need to get more practice in networking. I really hope to overcome my shyness and be more ready to talk.
Finally, now that I understand myself better, I made peace with the fact that I can never be an extrovert. But I can behave like an extrovert in situations needed for my growth. That doesn’t mean that I’m faking myself. It means that I’m trying hard to live the life I want.
This week’s highlights:
Though I have started my healing journey, I realize it is a lifelong journey, and I need to boost it now and then. I felt I needed that kind of boost right now to be a better person for my loved ones. So I’m focusing more on healing my inner child now. I’m using some tools that my therapist suggested. I will be sharing my thoughts and experiences in upcoming posts.
Speaking of healing, this post by
moved me a lot. I agree with her words about how we start healing when we stop numbing ourselves. Do check out her story.That’s all for today.
Until next week,
Love from
Shanjitha
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You might like the book Social Chemistry by Marissa King. It thought me so much about networking. As an introvert I was always scared of the word and thought it meant I had to go to business like events where everyone "works the room". The book showed me there's different ways of networking and that I actually do build a network, just in a different way.
I really resonated with this post a lot! I can relate to what you said about trying to network. It can be intimidating to talk to new people and grow a community of sorts. I am learning that it is a lot like fishing. You keep trying until you get the right bite; if the connection is not right for you, throw it back into the water. Quality is definitely better than quantity. It is time consuming trying to connect on multiple networks. I am noticing that people respond more quickly on some than others. So, it is okay to take your time too. #fellowintrovert