I’ve not been completely open to you.

Healing my inner child #1

In this space, I’ve shared my learnings and insights from my personal journey. I’ve written formal “tips” posts, and sprinkled in vulnerable personal stories here and there.

In most of those cases, I shared something I felt I had achieved—something worthy of putting out there, something I believed would give value to you, my readers. But there’s a part of me I haven’t fully revealed. If you’ve been following me regularly (love you for that), you might’ve caught glimpses of it. But I haven’t shared the open, raw, and still-in-progress side of me.

And I think it’s time.

I want to share my ongoing healing journey because, to be honest, I have a lot of unpacking left to do.

Why do I even need to share this?

For myself—because putting it out there makes it real. For accountability—so I stick with it. For connection—because I know I’m not alone, and maybe someone reading this will feel less alone too. I want to let go of the fear of being seen while still in the process, while still figuring it out.

I’m not new to healing. A few years ago, when I had a major depression and a severe COVID infection, I was jolted out of the life I was just surviving. At that point, I couldn’t handle the emotional weight anymore, and I turned to medication to numb myself. I knew something had to change—a huge shift was needed. And so, I started my healing journey.

Then I got pregnant and gave birth to my son. I made a vow to be the mother I didn’t have—a mother who’s responsive, emotionally available, and guides without judgment. I dove into parenting blogs and books, determined to be a sensitive and understanding parent.

But a conversation with my maternal mental health counselor brought me back to where I had stopped earlier: healing my inner child. She asked, “Are you emotionally available to yourself? Do you know why you feel the way you do?” And then she said something that stuck: “You need to heal the child within you first to be a better parent to your son.”

That hit me hard. When the same message keeps showing up in your life, maybe it’s time to take it seriously. I knew I had to go deeper into understanding my inner child—what she feels, and why she thinks the way she does. I started reading, attended a CBT course, and worked with a therapist.

Those efforts opened up a whole new world inside me—my inner ecosystem. I learned to discern who was speaking in different moments: my current self or my inner child. I started to understand why I’d react so strongly to small things or why pressure felt unbearable. I realized what had been driving my emotional messes, my strained relationships, and even my frustration with my family.

I’ve had some important breakthroughs. I’m now more aware of what triggers my inner child. I’ve apologized after fights with my husband, who is the only person who’s really seen this side of me. I’ve learned to recognize the patterns. But I also know I’m not done. I haven’t reached the peace I’m seeking yet. I still feel triggered by things I can’t quite pinpoint. I still feel like something invisible has a grip on me.

That’s when I sought out a new therapist. She lives two hours away, but I felt drawn to her. In my first session, I felt heard and validated. She pointed out something I hadn’t fully faced: “You’re seeing your inner child, but you haven’t helped her forgive or feel truly protected yet.”

She was right. I had been too scared to sit with the emotions, to fully confront them. My therapist is helping me do that—helping me forgive, protect, and embrace those emotions without fear.

Along with therapy, I felt I needed to take more practical steps. That’s why I finally picked up The Inner Child Workbook by Cathryn L. Taylor, which had been sitting on my wishlist forever. I’m not usually a fan of workbooks, but something about this one felt right.

The author talks about how we don’t just have one inner child, but many—children representing different stages of our lives. That made perfect sense to me because I’ve experienced multiple wounds throughout my younger years, and when I have an outburst, I often can’t figure out which past version of me is being triggered.

Healing each developmental stage is the core theme of the book, and that’s why I decided to dive in.

I don’t know exactly where this journey will lead me, but I trust it will guide me somewhere important. Maybe I’ll find peace in parts of myself I’ve kept hidden. Maybe I’ll discover a version of me that’s been waiting to surface.

So, I want to share this journey with you. The raw moments, the breakthroughs, and the days that feel too heavy to bear. I’m not claiming to have all the answers, but I’m committed to the process, to the ups and downs. Maybe my story will help you in your own healing. Or maybe it will simply remind you that you’re not alone in this messy, beautiful process.

Starting next week, you’ll hear more of my rants, raves, and emotional stories. This is me, raw and healing. And I’m ready to share it all with you.

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This week's highlights:

• I’m just one subscriber away from touching my first hundred. 

  

• We are on family vacation. We are in Varkala, a beach town. Both my husband and I really needed this for a long time. Being a person who loves to travel to peaceful and slow-moving places, this felt so soothing for my soul. Okay, I had a toddler to run behind. But I saw it as a chance to be fully present with him and get him to experience the newness too. And I’m pretty sure he loved it here. 

• So this week I was pretty much busy packing, finishing medical articles and getting tired on it. Now I ‘m resting and rejuvenating.

• I had a helpful self-reflection exercise about my Substack. It is good to remind ourselves why I’m here from time to time. Thanks to

  Mika

If you feel like reading more of my stories, you are just one click away from it.

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